Mother, again. No surprise really.
Right now I’m just seething with anger because she’s extremely self centered and unimaginably inconsiderate. Again, today I cannot think of anything she has said or done that hasn’t made me angry at her, ashamed of her even, exhausted with and at her….
She went to her AA today, well they call it add action I think, they are AA+Rehab I guess. That’s great, in a way because I hope that they can permeate her thick fog of scheming selfishness to actually help her. But let me be clear, that is not her reason for being there…She knows she’s an addict but she doesn’t want to get help or change, she doesn’t see it as a problem. She knows that, with addictions added to her list of reasons to claim certain government benefits she can get more from them…she sees that method in action very close up, knows it can be successful, knows how much she can get from it and she likes it. That is her goal.
That meeting was this morning, at tenish. We did not see her until past five and even though we asked about her day, we don’t know where she actually was all day, but I’m not the mother here….despite how it fucking seems, so that’s fine.
When she did get back though and she was telling us about this place, she spoke about the other people she met there so judgmentally….I mean she’s really no place to judge anyone whatsoever. I did make that clear to her….I asked how is she any different to those people who have found themselves without a place to live? She’s luckier! Because she has family who’ll have her, but she’s no different, she lost her home too and she came so very close to living in a shop doorway. She forgets that though. She talks about them being addicts like she’s not, telling me that she saw one of them instead of buying food with his last two pound sending someone into a shop to get him booze….And I said to her how is that not exactly the same as a friend of mine giving you money for a taxi last week, so you wouldn’t walk home in the rain and then you spending it on tobacco and still walking in the rain anyway ANY different.
BUT, She was also happy to accept that exact same persons free meal…because he didn’t want to eat. The group she had been to told her she could get something to eat for free there….And she didn’t say oh don’t worry my family provide me with a bed, food, living space, support…essentials. The thought to let someone more needing have that didn’t even cross her mind….she just figured they’d have plenty for everyone. And maybe they do….But we are not short of food in this house, she wasn’t in need of that. But “owt for nowt” I suppose is her motto…
She just doesn’t see. That’s one example….And isn’t why I’m angry right now.
It’s closing in on one in the morning….and I’m exhausted. I’ve been BUSY today, but even when I’m not busy I don’t stay up generally. I fucking like my sleep. And she went out at half 11 to go to a cash machine, to take out money she thinks is going into her bank (But we’ve told her it won’t because her sick-note wasn’t handed in on time) …and she wants to withdraw it before any direct transfers can get it. But that means I have to sit here, waiting up with my eyes trying to glue-shut with each blink, because the back door and garden are totally unlocked. I can’t lock them up until she’s in the house. Leaving them open is just not an option, for the obvious reasons and also, my husband has some extremely severe anxieties all of which are deeply rooted in security, personal space and people not being in his home. If he thought that the doors had been left open while we all slept….he’s work himself into a fucking coma.
She knows all of this, she is aware whilst being oblivious. Because she won’t stop to think how her actions affect anyone around her. She never does.
I’m not really this angry because I can’t go to bed and I’m sulking, but there are so many other things every day and right now this is just the most pressing issue. This is current.
Having her in my home, the lies, schemes, sneaking, negative, angry, vacuous, self absorbed teenager in an adults body…..is becoming too much. I’m exhausted by it, I’m angry and I’m reverting mentally and emotionally to someone I thought I’d killed and burned to ash. I don’t want that person back.
How am I who I am, when she is …this?