I’m not a child

I never really got to be. You don’t get that when your parents, and the closer members of your family are junkies. You grow up really fast because you have to. Any childhood innocence is gone when you know the reason you can never go into your own kitchen for a glass of water or…..well pretty much just the water, food wasn’t always there. Anyway yep…when you know you’re locked out because everyone in there is jacking up you’re not a child  in the way you should be at six.
The thing is you still call that time period your childhood, and since my whole childhood I  basically was always living in a drug-den ….Many different drug dens actually…I don’t have fond memories of most of it. Infact I have some really horrible ones but the point of this is….My mum was one of those junkies.  Makes for a very unpleasant parental figure, and I was so glad when eventually, after I left home at the old old age of fourteen…she stopped taking the hard inject-y drugs and just became a big ol pothead.
I don’t dwell on who she used to be in the worst of those times or think about it much at all really, if I did we would not have a relationship now. I know the one we have is dysfunctional almost to the point of imploding beyond repair, but that’s something. I don’t want to live in that time of my life of give it power over me so I chose to forgive,  I even think I almost let myself forget.
Recently and especially tonight, I didn’t just think back to it or remember it….I was in it again. She’s turning back into that person, the person the drugs made her, or let her be. I don’t know if she’s had any in the past few days or if she’s having a mental break down….really don’t know, but tonight in my daughters room I saw a look in her eye that I hate,  I really had forgot it… Hard to imagine I ever could now but upon seeing it again is unmistakable. It’s the look she used to get right before she’d take the worst of her cravings or withdrawals or comedowns on me.  It would always be followed by an attempt, sometimes a successful one to punch me or grab my head of hair hurl me to the floor.
Tonight that look wasn’t  for me, It was directed at my teenager. I lost my mind a little at that I think. Sheer terror that she was going to physically hurt of try to hurt my child blinded me. I told  my daughter get up, out and down the stairs really quickly while making sure to stay between them just in case. Then in a very screaming shouty manner made clear to the whole household I would be supervising the two of them for the rest of the night,  and I didn’t have to explain why, so I think she knew herself that she’s come close.
She had a childish strop at this and stormed out. Ten to nine this was…and she’s not back yet (Just after midnight) so that’s fine I’m locking the doors.  However since then, in those few hours while she’s been who knows where, I’ve been reliving. I’ve not been in a great place those past two hours, it’s very safe to say. And tomorrow we’re having the “If we ever see anything like that again you’re out on your arse” chat….which is not an ideal day for it….very emotional day for Husband tomorrow, which mum is also aware of. Anniversary of his dads death, the day before husbands own birthday. Never an easy time for him.
My daughter before this already had an extremely bad day of her own. She was brought home by the police because on the way home from school had to call 999 because she was shoved face/chest into a metal fence. This was done right outside of her school….by girls who are related to eachother. It was A and J, A started the verbal threats and then J chased her down and got physical. A’s mum is J’s older sister. The reason I explain that is because the mum/sister in question lives just round the corner from me, and is also my mums only friend where I live. My mum is there every night. I’ve got a lot to deal with tomorrow to get this resolved, walking daughter to and from school, speaking to school during the day to tell them either A and J don’t go to school or my daughter doesn’t. At which pint I’ll throw in as many child safeguarding legislations as I know….and I know a good number.
I digress again. In light of all of this, long before any junkie-flashback behaviour, I spoke to mum and asked if, just for one night, just until I get things sorted out a little….could she avoid house-round-corner. And she said she would.
Of course she sect round there anyway …But she was so very aware of the day my daughter had suffered already, and this is my daughter who, by the way, is currently being assessed to see just what degree of autism she has. Because we KNOW she is on the spectrum, and we know that she is very emotionally sensitive.
No one in the house  will sleep well tonight, But everyone’s trying…And I should too.
You know,  I always want to be so much more detailed and  coherent… Maybe one day.

I’m not a child,  I’m  just reliving aspects of the time in  my life when I should have been. My daughter is though, and she will be protected the way a child should be. I will defend her from all  cruelty, especially that of those she should  not  have to fear.


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