The end,  I think… 

Today was,  it was something I don’t have words for. 

I few nights ago I said that my mum and the way she’s being was making me feel like a scared child again,  and I intimated that as a child there were times when I felt,  not without reason very unsafe and afraid.  The thing  with that is,  the time I was referring to  was  the drug time,  and because that was a much longer period of a specific addiction and because that sort of came with an entourage which included not only my biological father but several family members as well  as many junkies,  it is more prevalent in my mind when I think back.  Something  which I don’t actually like to do very often believe it or not,  but life recently is forcing me to and that’s a large part of why I’m writing this blog.  

I’m going to try and explain explain a very short,  basic,  undetailed  timeline of my life,  so that you have  some hope of understanding… All of this I guess.  

From birth until I was nine my family was….. Father,  mother,  older brother and me.  During that time both of my parents were junkies and all our lives were ruled by mainly one thing.  Methamphetamine.  *”The family of four” years*

From nine until thirteen my family was… Me,  mother and man she ran away with and married.  Took  me with her but not my brother.  There were times during this period when he lived with us,  but not for two years.  For those two years I lost my brother father,  and he lost his mum and sister. In these years my life was no longer ruled by Methamphetamine, or any drugs.  They did take it,  ‘phet…. But it didn’t define life for us the way it had before.  Oh and  the start of some light alcoholism, but mostly life was ruled by by fear and intimidation by new her husband. *”The start of high-school” years*

Between thirteen and fifteen family was me, mother and briefly brother.. More on and off than ever before now though. Life was ruled then by a complete and utter deep sea dive into extremely  destructive alcoholism and drug dependency. *”The almost  out of there” yesrs* 
I left home at fifteen. 

Drugs make her  absent, moody,   and emotionally unstable but  when she was only on drugs she was much safer to be around than she is when drunk.   I can only imagine how insane that statement is going to seem to you, but she never turned on me when she was high, and when she was on a come down  I knew to be wary.  

Let me be clear,  I would never excuse what she did nor suggest  it was okay in any way,  or justified,  but when she was on drugs and she hurt me in any way  it was different.  It was never just to be cruel. They make her many things,  but they don’t make her violent out of the blue and they don’t make her utterly terrifying. 

Alcohol does. 

It makes her aggressive and unpredictable, and  she WANTS to cause physical pain when she’s drunk.  There is no reasoning with that version of her,  no calming it or knowing how to manage it or how  to manage yourself around it.  Theres only  this psychotic anger that is manifest in what was earlier someone you felt safe with,  and she’s very vindictive and cruel.  First verbally and emotionally and then it gets physical.  
As I said,  for a lot of the almost out there years it was just the two of us,  not counting the various people she would go to and vanish until the bottle ran dry.  So often through the alcohol years  I saw this terrifying version of her get extremely violent and I learned her tells. Mostly I did avoid becoming the target,  but that didn’t make it less horrible.   One  thing though that  is guaranteed to end badly  when she’s drunk is,  police,   Specifically ones who are there to deal with her.   
There was one time she got herself taken the the psych ward for trying to kill a police officer with a screw driver.  I  saw her get arrested so I went to bail her out, or whatever the British version of that is. … (not alone,  a “family friend”  came with me.  I was only. .. Thirteen)  only to be told that she had assaulted the officers with a screwdriver  and threatened to eat their eyeballs,  so they left her at ward 17, Fairfield hospital, Bury. When we got there she had been let out,  and when we got home (we lived with aforementioned “family friend”)  she was already back in th  pub. I stayed away for a few days after that,  with a real friend.  A lady who did a great deal of looking after me during the family of four years, when we had lived in the area before,  and again since moving back to stay with these friends.  

The reason  I’ve gone into all of that is so that when I tell you what happened today you’ll  maybe understand where I’m coming from,  just a tiny bit.
Last night when I blogged I said that she had until eleven today to either show up or I was calling the police,  reporting her missing because by then it’s 24 hours. She had been making  thinly veiled suicide  threats, after all. 

I did everything I could reasonably think of before calling the police.  Contacted every person and place we could imagine knowing anything,  even including intimidating ex husband who she recently decided to make friends with.  I would just point out she didnt simply leave him….we fled for our lives,  in a very literal sense and had to spend time in   sheltered housing, in a  secret mountain fucking homeless hostel!!,  but I  even asked him if he knew where she was. 

 No one knew a fucking thing so,  I called  the police, we reported her missing. 

Skip ahead four hours,  my daughter is in a hugely emotional mess, nothing is calming her down so husband went out with her to  the co’op,  making an excuse of something we needed. While they were “down the lane”  where our  local shops are he popped into a few that know us and asked if any had seen her since ten am yesterday.  The charity shop had,  she had been in after getting dropped off at the police station opposite after  being picked up trying to walk/hitch down the  motorway…. Going in the  direction of,  you guessed it, murder on the mind ex husband!!! 

Husband rang, told me and I updated the police, that’s what they ask you to do with any new information. No longer had I finished that call when my phone rang, husband had found her!  He went into the pub  to ask if they had seen her,  and the barmaid said she was in the fucking beer garden.  He actually thought she was joking for a second. She was not. 

She has liver failure  knows she does we just don’t  know how bad it is yet (recent discovery, awaiting further tests) she knows how dangerous drinking is though!!! 

He was on the phone to me, and  was in the process of telling  me she had been drinking… (she has been sober for six years)  when I heard her being very verbally aggressive. 
 I’m telling you,  fuck all your anti aging methods,  I was  suddenly twenty years younger in about five seconds!! Also,  utterly terrified.  Scared senseless all of a sudden. 

I just cutoff whatever he was saying to me and  told him, forcefully  screamed at him actually  to get daughter of there,  I was on my way  and to send her out of the  door right that second to start  walking.  He did it,  but he didn’t fully  understand until a bit later.  Anyway I saw daughter  on the way  and sent her back home where our friend was waiting. Between my house and there I had called back the police,  told them she was found and where.  They wanted to speak to her and I told them she wouldn’t  leave the pub,  because I knew how she’d  be  so they were on the way to her,  super drunk. .. At the pub. 
I arrived  just as the officer did,  the same one who had earlier taken the missing persons report.  She’s a smart cookie,  she had her eyes on mum and  her hand on her mace the whole time she spoke to her. She could see the aggression and brink of violence, mum was laughing at her questions, snug avid sniggering act blatantly lying. She was trying to goad the officer.   The barmaid informed us that mum did get into a fight with a  woman outside there  last night. Also,  mums was no longer wearing the same clothes… Or clothes she even owned.  We don’t know where she spent the night either. She was clearly more than drunk, lying  to the officer who could tell. That wasn’t  getting anywhere do  the officer brought us home in the police car,  by us I mean husband and myself.  Husband waved to wacky but the officer said she waved to get us safely out of that area, Mum  wasn’t leaving. We did disk to the officer a bit, she was clearly going to suggest we not let her into the house like that,  I was way  ahead of that one, as soon as I heard her over the phone all I wanted to do keep her away. 
Suffice  to say since then I’ve had to explain  a few things to husband…. Like why, as a fully grown adult I was fucking petrified all of a sudden shaking, crying and and begging him to take me in the house and lock the doors.  Which we did by the way.  See, earlier when  I  said I don’t like to think back to shit times I meant it, and  while husband knows I had a rough as fuck “childhood” that was never short of some form of abuse or it neglect, I Haven’t  listed for him every incident and  deep-set, lifetime-learned fear. 

I never though  I would have that specific fear  again,  of the wanring to hide from her, certainly never imagined I would be hiding my child from her drunken rage. 

She hasn’t  come back.  I know of  she will when  she’s out of booze or options but when she does,  we’re getting daughter out of the way  to safety at a friends,  then telling her she needs to get her things and go.  I will do it as gently  as possible,  but I’m prepared to call the police at even the hint of aggression. She went understand why, if she does she’ll act  like she doesn’t. She will act like, and maybe even believe that I’m overreacting, that it’s  unjust. 

I might at that point lose her,  but then,  at this point,  mayb I  already have. 

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