I think that for the foreseeable future I’m going to have to use the term “good day” very loosely.
Today was Husbands birthday, and I do think that it was a good day. Daughter and I cooked a good late breakfast which he enjoyed and he watched the Billy connelly dvds he’d got as his present while he ate. He later took the dogs out with our daughter and his girlfriend, and daughters boyfriend came to see her so he went too. I didn’t go because I’ve been wearing a nice, makeshift eye patch all day. My eye is still a painful clusterfuck, but the patch helps me keep it shut, which eases the pain. I stayed in and chatted to my girlfriend and watched TV.
While he was out he took the keys for my allotment saying he would water everything for me. He surprised me with a loving gesture and nice gift, which seems wrong as it was his birthday. He engraved for me a brass plaque and put it on my shed door at my allotment, the engraving is the nickname I use for my little plot. It was a really nice thing to do. I feel guilty, he shouldn’t be cheering me up on his birthday!!
This afternoon has been much of the same, just a nice relaxed, calm atmosphere. Daughter was happy doing her own thing, he and I playing games or watching TV while chatting to girlfriends on Skype.
I’ve been semi-destracted dealing with issues relating to mum, but only in as much as being told that she’s tried to make plans. She contacted my uncle, asking him to try and arrange a lift to my brothers for her, few hundred miles away. That didn’t work so said she would go to his house. .. About 30 miles. All this from the pub ten minutes away but she’s avoiding me, us. .. Here. She told my uncle she wasn’t coming here, that’s more than fine with me it means I can look forward to a restful night. As of right now she hasn’t arrived at my grandads and uncles, or anywhere else in that town as far as aware and even on a Sunday it doesn’t take that long to reach Bury from here, but when she surfaces eventually I’ll hear about it.
So peace, and no sightings of her today which is great. The thing is there’s also been so sightings of husbands mum, or stepdad , or sister. None if his family at all, but they all live in this town, not far away. Most of them could’ve easily visited, none did. They haven’t even rang him. I’m furious and extremely upset for him and I know it hurts him because they’ve done this before. I mean, when any of them need a computer fxed they would find him even if he were in a tent on an island in a river of lava and still expect him to fix what they wanted…. But when he’s at home for 85% of the day and less than 30 minutes away ON FOOT for the other 15%…. Nothing.
It’s not that they forgot either, I reminded his mum yesterday during all that drama, and she made a Facebook status. His sister commented on mine… But that’s really not much at all. He won’t make a fuss or even mention it though. This is the reason tonight’s title had a question mark in place of exclamations, because given that, was it a good day really?
I still want to say yea, it was. Maybe not a happy day, but not a bad one. I hope my mum’s safe somewhere, I know most people wouldn’t give a flying fuck now, but I can’t switch it off.
My best friend, the best woman I’ve ever known and the person who has got me through more than I could ever tell her.. She’s a very wise woman, I’ve always loved her advice. She taught me what is probably obvious to most people, but she finally made me take it in!!…
I can worry about my mum and her choices and decisions. . I can care and try to help her and support and advise her. But I can’t stop her, I can’t force her hand either way, I can’t help her if she won’t help herself, I should save my advice for someone who might actually want it and I can not, especially now that I am a mother. .. Be one to her.
So I’ll be concerned about where she is, I can worry about her getting herself into some trouble or danger… But I’ll do it this way. I’ll sit on my bed, ready to sleep, typing those concerns to the world. I won’t do what I might’ve in the past. I won’t go to find her and try to order her home, I won’t start a pointless fight with her even though it’s for her own good, I’m not crying to husband or myself and breaking down into a quivering heap of stress and terror that keeps us all awake the whole night and eventually affects my family’s health and wellbeing.
I might even sleep…