Weak. I really am… 

She came back.  I heard from my aunty today that she might. That’s a lie in itself really,  I didn’t hear from my aunty I heard from my mums best  friend. Probably her only real friend through life,  they met in high school,  they are so utterly different. She’s always been my aunty and I couldn’t love her more than I do…  But I wanted to be clear. 

So she did,  she arrived. .. At half eight at night.  Which  I know isn’t late in general.  But in terms of coming back with your tail between your legs because you fucked up your daughters life once more but this time dragged her whole family through it. .. That’s late. I mean when you know that you have those kinds of issues to work out you arrive earlier,  you can never give it enough time really.  The front of the house was locked up so I sent her around the back and went out to meet her. 

I was extremely angry and with  her before I saw her,  I still am now and might be for sale long time to come,  But honestly she looked so tiny and broken.  You could see the agony she was in.  I found out that she had walked from my aunties almost to my house. She walked 12 miles,  with her displaced pelvis and arthritic hips and it has been the hottest day of the  year.  I asked her basic things like where she planned to sleep,  what she had eaten and drank….

I asked because she had only come to collect her phone.. To my house I mean.  She was back in town to handle her Dr’s appointments and other shit to go on acting like nothing happened. She was about to leave.. 

Now I know that was stupid of me,  I was setting myself up for failure right there,  I’m not utterly fucking dense. I do realise.  But I had to know,  I couldn’t just turn her away without asking. Of course she hadn’t eaten, drank or had  a place to sleep.  She was going to sleep in the park I could tell because she had around three newspapers stuffed into a bag and I saw them. 

I’m wired wrong,  I must be. I just count do it.  I got her in, fed her gave a hot drink.  She wasn’t a threat to me or anyone in my household.  I have talked about knowing her,  the real her and having reason to not want here… But when she’s at this stage she’s not a threat.  She’s to be pitied. Even having said that I spoke to both daughter and husband while she stood in the kitchen with her drink. Husband is okay about her staying here or one night,  this night only and then tomorrow we take her and register her homeless which was all I was suggested. I don’t want to have her back here. 

I know…. ” yea right,  we’ll  see and you fucking  idiot”  are the only things  you can think right now. I’m the same,  aside from the “yea right”. She’s not in any way forgiven and we haven’t begun to work on anything. I have barely spoken to her at all,  at one point I made her whisper because I didn’t want to hear her voice. Husband was talking to her,  a little… To try and get answers. Daughter hasn’t either and doesn’t intend to.  But she isn’t scared she is angry predominantly. She’s angry and she wants to hate the woman, but she can’t. She’s wired wrong too, I think it means we have kind good hearts.  I hope that’s what it means. 
While in the kitchen, with mother,  where I hadn’t keeper leave yet  as I was making her beans on toast I spoke to her. …. Ranted at her really.  At one point I told her that  she had better not try to deny that she had taken drugs. ..I never ever throw my childhood in her face,  but tonight I did.  I remember saying “we both know you had something and we both know I  the recognise the signs all too fucking well… Thanks to you” at which point she admitted. But only by saying “I didn’t inject” I went a little nuts but then reeled it in. 

Tonight I hate myself. I never ever hate myself,  it’s not a feeling it on how to deal with. I hate that I’m stupid enough  to give her the night after all she’s done recently.  I said I would help her in any other way but she couldn’t stay here anymore. … And then I go and give her a night! 

I feel weak, and foolish and stupid. But I just couldn’t turn her sway.  She looked so broken. 
She is broken and  I  can’t fix her. I’m not trying to..  I’m just getting the  already broken thing up off the floor.  Tomorrow I’m giving it a spanner. It has to fix itself. 


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