I have an Allotment. It’s not much, it’s very overgrown and I haven’t achieved most of the things I wanted to in the year that it’s been mine. I love it.
It’s not even ten minutes from home, it is gated. Keys are for plot holders only so I can hide there but still be reached. I can have my plot any way I want it and no one can just suddenly tell me it’s gone, taken, sold off or cancelled indefinitely. Who knows one day there might be pictures and stories of and about it here.
I have been thinking I need for myself, to talk about the good things in my life more, and offset some of the plethora of depressing hellshit I use this blogplace to work through.
Earlier in the week things got worse in one day than I could’ve ever imagined and I’ve had to find a way to get through that. My way was my shed. I had plans for it since the day I bought it.. In February (second hand and in need of much TLC), Which I have had to sit on until it was built three weeks ago!!!! Then a little longer because it needed a new roof…. But that was done last week, so this week I was making some of those plans come to life.
It’s pink inside now and has laminate floor, those were the things I’ve worked on this week, after replacing a few pieces and patching up a few holes. I have told and shown everyone about that tiny little wooden hut. I have a bench where I can make myself and friends a brew.. Little gas hob and kettle. I have a radio and a nice seat. And I have worked in the inside of it every day this week. ..rain and shine it has kept me busy.
I have shown everyone the pictures I’ve taken, they love it and tell me I’ve done a great job and they are proud which is wonderful, but aside from a very select, small group of people they don’t know why I’ve needed, really needed to stay busy, distracted, focused on something…. They don’t know life is a clusterfuck and I have to wear myself out because otherwise, I think.
I’m not against thinking, but it’s this restless-late-at-night-after-ive-tried-hard-to-sleep-for-fucking-hours type of thinking that I could live with less of and there two ways that goes usually.
I think, then remember, then worry. .. about any stupid things I’ve said that day, or the day before… I’m not dayist, equal opportunities for shit memories in my head. What’s happened or is likely to happen now and who to. About the things I have no power over. Worry I can handle though, I tell myself off for losing sleep over things I can’t alter and eventually doze off and I get a restful sleep, which is all I’m craving right now.
I think, then remember, then replay…….. I suddenly analyse things that have been said, and a lot of the time they seem sinister and snide. My memory is a paranoid cynic. My memory alters events, ever so slightly changing course for them and then my imagination runs away with them down to the new track they are on. A sinister torturous little tag team.
Then before I know how I got there I’m chin-deep in guilt which stays around all night for letting things go on that initial unaltered course, beating myself sick over it.
Thankfully I always have the voices of certain people, my support network, in the back of my mind who speak sense and tell me emphatically how I’m not to blame. As soon as I hear them, bestfriend, girlfriend, husband… I know they’re right, but sometimes their voices don’t come through until the mental pummelling eases to a more gentle game of slaps and by then the sleep I get is never very restful.
But, this week I’ve kept busy and it’s helped me be so physically drained by the night that my mental sadists, memory and imagination haven’t had an opening to play mean braingames.
Today my back hurt a lot…. I worked hard the past four days but I’m not very physically fit to say the least, so I have paid the price. For that reason, and because I needed a day to do some laundry and housework I haven’t gone out today, I haven’t done anything very physical… And there it is, the opening my sadists needed.
The voices of my cheerleaders, my advocates were strong though and the guilt is not spending the night. I will give its usual space to something else, I’m welcoming gratitude. I don’t spend enough time expressing how grateful I am for the many, many good things in my crazy life.
I am grateful and lucky to have a strong loving support network, an actual sanctuary and my beloved Obi, who is by my side right now… Fast asleep and unaware of any of this. I don’t know how he does it but just looking at the little idiot cheers me up. … Without fail! My four-legged, pointy-nosed, loopy-lurchery, dippy-whippety shadow. The best shadow anyone could have.